Parent Coordinators: An Effective New Tool in Resolving Parental Conflict in Divorce
The following three-part article introduces a very effective method of resolving parental conflict over children’s issues that often arise as parties venture through the transition of divorce. The use of the parent coordinator is described through the eyes of an attorney, a judge, and a parent coordinator.
Parenting Coordinators: An Attorney’s Perspective
In Lee and Collier counties, attorneys and judges are utilizing parent coordinators with great success to assist in high-conflict divorces where custody or visitation issues are involved pre-final judgment and post-final judgment.
Parent coordinators are mental health providers with at least a master’s degree, who are licensed by the state. Family mediation certification is also a skill requirement. Because the parenting coordinator bears tremendous responsibility for making shared parental responsibility work, he or she must be well trained in child development and what constitutes an appropriate visitation schedule.1 T he parenting coordinator must have knowledge of the legal process and a working knowledge of family law.2 P arental alienation is often an issue necessitating the assistance of a parenting coordinator, so he or she must be particularly well aware of this issue.
The involvement of a parent coordinator is usually as follows:
• Conferencing with both parties’ counsel and meeting with both parents and children, together and/or separately, to determine the issues involved.
• Reviewing psychological, school, or other relevant documentation.
• Consulting with relevant third party witnesses such as psychologists, teachers, neighbors, etc.
• Creating appropriate visitation schedules with the input of the parents and children.
• Mediating parenting or visitation disputes.
• Teaching parenting skills, i.e., communication skills, principles of child development, and children’s issues in divorce.
• Making recommendations to the court regarding visitation schedules, where mediation between the parties is unsuccessful.
• Reporting to the court regarding the children’s issues from the children’s perspective, as well as both parents.
• Teaching parents about parental alienation, monitoring cases where alienation may be occurring, and reporting to the court regarding alienation.
• Counseling and educating children who refuse to visit parents.
The parenting coordinator assists the parents in creating a parenting plan most effective for that particular family’s needs. In doing so, the parenting coordinator and parents create a plan that minimizes the children’s exposure to parental conflict while balancing the child’s developmental needs with reasonable parental time-sharing.
The biggest difference a parenting coordinator makes is in fostering communication and problem-solving skills between the parents. This, in addition to counseling the parents on the underlying issues that cause the parental conflict, can help the parents to cooperatively parent their children. Studies have shown that parents who can cooperate in the co-parenting process without conflict raise children with fewer emotional problems.3 I f that goal is not possible, then the parenting coordinator teaches parents to interact in front of the children without conflict, which is the next best situation for the children.
For many parents, these goals seem impossible at the inception of the divorce process. In fact, many parents are incapable of achieving cooperative parenting behavior, or at least conflict-free behavior, without outside intervention. Parenting coordinators have proven to be invaluable in this process. Early intervention, ongoing education, support, and maintenance of the coparenting process by the parenting coordinators provide the structure and guidance that can make an enormous difference to many families.
Appended to this article is the “Order Appointing Parenting Coordinator” used by many judges in Lee and Collier counties. A parenting coordinator is not a custody evaluator, and will not give an opinion as to the ultimate issue of custody (except in unusual circumstances where good cause is shown). In custody disputes, a parenting coordinator may be appointed to assist the parents in child-sharing plans during the pendency of the case and after custody has been resolved.
To eliminate confusion by the parents, parenting coordinators, and the attorneys about the specific duties of a parenting coordinator, a very specific order is necessary.
A parenting coordinator is a neutral third party. He or she is not the ally of either parent. It is because of this neutrality that a parenting coordinator can be an effective educator, mediator, and counselor to the entire family. Additionally, because the parenting coordinator is court-appointed, neither party can “fire” him or her before the recommendation for visitation is made.
Parenting coordinators have proven to be of great help to attorneys as well. Parenting coordinators have more time and better skills to deal with the myriad issues that occur as parents make the transition to the roles of divorced parents. Additionally, because an attorney is by definition an advocate for his or her client, many times this role is less effective than the parenting coordinator’s role of mediator/counselor/educator to both parties.
Divorce is a traumatic process for families. As attorneys learn to lessen the trauma through cooperative lawyering, efficient discovery, and mediation to assist efficient and fair resolutions, we can be well advised to utilize the services of parenting coordinators.
Judges appreciate the information and input a parenting coordinator can give. Visitation disputes cannot be resolved easily in the limited time a motion calendar can allow. Many times, the allegations are so numerous and so conflicting there is simply no way a judge can make a reasoned decision in the time available. A report and testimony of a parenting coordinator whose only agenda is to minimize conflict for the children is a welcome beacon.
The procedure, then, is for both attorneys to consult at the beginning of the case. If both attorneys agree the parties will be assisted by a parenting coordinator, an agreed order is entered. If this cannot be done by agreement, then a motion is filed requesting the appointment of a parenting coordinator. In my experience, judges have been happy to grant such orders assigning the parenting coordinator when one cannot be chosen by the agreement of the parties. The parenting coordinator then begins meeting with the parties and the children. Also, the parenting coordinator will seek input from each attorney as to how the attorney defines the issues in the particular case.
If the parties reach an agreement, the attorneys will draft the written document and advise their clients as to the impact on their legal rights. If no agreement is reached, the issue is set for hearing and the parenting coordinator is subpoenaed to provide input to the judge.
Many attorneys who have used this new tool of the parenting coordinator will agree that major legal battles, ultimately harmful to the children, have been averted due to the efforts of the parenting coordinators. More subtle benefits include the strengthening and stabilizing of cooperative parenting between the parties, for the ultimate benefit of the children.4
The Appointment and Benefit of Parent Coordinators from the Court’s Perspective
As the family law judge in Collier County for the past two years, it has come to the attention of this court that many of the known problems that exist when parties go through a dissolution of marriage procedure revolve around children. As all of us know, children are often used as leverage for many reasons, among them financial or emotional retribution.
Most of the questions I face that revolve around custodial or visitation matters probably should not be in the courtroom. I find not only that the parties themselves are looking for a way to appear reasonable, but also that the attorneys are looking for an avenue of escape while at the same time attempting to represent their clients’ interests. The ultimate conclusion is that the adversary advocacy proceedings that we are involved with in the family law area are usually self-defeating in rectifying problems that exist in the area of custody and visitation. Neither side trusts the other and each side wishes to put forth its position. Therefore, the suggestion of a “neutral” party usually is not only beneficial but also desired by both parties.
It has been the experience of this court that, once the parenting coordinator becomes involved, the parties tend to work out the differences that seem insurmountable when they appeared in court. It is very seldom that once the parent coordinator is appointed, that a case reappears because there has not been a solution to the problems, and the end result is that the program has been immensely successful.
The success of the program is largely attributable to the parenting coordinators, and having a qualified group to refer to is certainly beneficial. However, the involvement of the family law bar in the program is a necessity since all of the parties, including the court, working together have forged a highly successful program. It is not fair to single out any particular person when reference is made to the program’s success, but the dedication of people such as Dr. Mary Ellen Frazier, Psy.D., and attorney Victoria Ho has gone a long way in having an effective program in place.
It is with great pride that I would recommend this program to other counties and judicial circuits.
A Parenting Coordinator’s Perspective
A parenting coordinator was working with a newly divorced couple, attempting to help them make agreements about various children’s issues. Despite his best efforts, it was slow going. Finally, in frustration, the wife threw up her hands and exclaimed, “Well, what did I expect? We never agreed on anything while we were married.” To which the husband replied, “I disagree.”
Very often, parents in the midst of divorce can scarcely agree on what day it is. They are anxious, angry, and wounded people who often have very different versions of what happened to their marriage and what should happen following the divorce. During what is inevitably one of the most painful, most stressful periods of their lives, these people must make decisions in the best interest of their children and they are asked to do so within the context of an adversarial legal system. Even parents with solid parenting skills and the best intentions find it difficult not to make mistakes under these circumstances.
Parent coordinating was developed as a response to what is known about the effects of parental conflict and alienation on children. In her books Surviving the Breakup5 a nd Second Chances,6 J udy Wallerstein and her colleagues at the Center for the Family in Transition in Cortemadera, California, reported the findings of their longitudinal studies spanning 15-–20 years. The good news? Children can survive divorce. The bad news? They can not survive long term, chronic conflict between the central figures in their lives. Research shows that the level and intensity of parental conflict is the most potent factor in children’s post-divorce adjustment. Parenting coordinators not only can educate their clients, but also can help them disengage from each other, thereby lowering the level of mutual conflict, and help resolve disputes. Parents need to know that divorce adds an extra burden to the normative developmental tasks of growing up and that “conflict, tension, loyalty binds, uneasy alliances and alienation can seriously distort a child’s developing personality and subsequent life adjustment.”7
Ideally, a parenting coordinator is a licensed or license-eligible mental health professional who is also a state-certified mediator in family law. Mediation training provides a knowledge base regarding the legal system, conflict resolution and communication techniques. A parenting coordinator is familiar with age-appropriate visitation guidelines and the community supports available to the parties. It is imperative that the parenting coordinator recognize and respond to parental alienation before it becomes ingrained.
While it is preferable to have the parenting coordinator on board from the beginning of divorce proceedings, many are appointed post-dissolution when agreements made between the parties are no longer working or the conflict continues. Those with entrenched patterns of fighting and negativity often must learn to “parent apart.” The parenting coordinator can help structure child-sharing in ways that minimize the potential for conflict while ensuring that the children retain access to both parents.
After receiving the standard order, the parenting coordinator makes an appointment with each of the parties separately to explain the process and to get a sense of the issues involved. If this is a post-dissolution case, the parties are asked to provide the marital settlement agreement sections which pertain to the children and any other relevant documents.
Parent coordinating is not a difficult concept to sell. The advantages are many: It keeps people out of court; it is both cost and time efficient when compared with legal fees and court dockets; it empowers clients to be able to make mutually acceptable agreements rather than be dictated to; and, when it works well, is time limited—a parenting coordinator’s goal is for the clients to no longer need a parenting coordinator!
Attorneys frequently ask, “How can we help minimize the damage done to children during and after a divorce?” Since clients invariably look to their lawyer for help in navigating the choppy waters of the divorce process, attorneys have enormous influence on the outcome for the children involved. The best attorneys are well-versed in knowledge of the damage parental conflict causes; they reinforce what clients are being told by the parenting coordinator and help clients focus on how each aspect of a given case will impact their children. Attorneys who encourage alternatives to litigation, especially mediation, and who first attempt a collaborative process serve their clients well. If cases settle fairly and within a reasonable period of time, the healing process can begin, and parent coordinators know that when the financial issues are settled, the children’s issues often settle down.
Statistics show that 75 percent of parents “cool off” after the first year following a divorce. Oftentimes, parent coordinating follows a predictable course with the highest level of conflict occurring prior to settlement when stress and anxiety peak. Once the coparenting plan is in place and the financial issues are determined, clients usually begin to calm down. Quite simply, there is a lot less to fight about. Couples find that the flipside of having loved someone is not hating them; it is letting go. Parenting coordinators help with this by giving parents guidelines for communicating effectively about the children without triggering old wounds. Books such as Families Apart8 b y Melinda Blau are invaluable resources for parents in the midst of this process.
Parental conflict is not incurable. A parenting coordinator can help people learn to manage and control their anger and create an atmosphere where cooperative co-parenting can take place. Our children deserve no less.
1 In Lee and Collier counties, Dr. Mary Ellen Frazier, Psy.D., with others, has promulgated age-appropriate visitation guidelines commonly referred to by attorneys and the courts.
2 Divorce Support Services of Collier County, Inc., has provided a reference book of psychologists, accountants, attorneys, and relevant statutes and standing orders referencing children’s issues. For a copy, contact the author.
3 J. Wallerstein, The Long Term Effects of Divorce on Children; A Review, J. Am. Acad. Child Psychiatry 30(3):349–360 (1991).
4 Carla B. Garrity and Mitchell A. Bares, Caught in the Middle, Protecting the Children of High-Conflict Divorce (1994) is an excellent resource.
5 Judith S. Wallerstein and Joan Kelly, Surviving the Breakup, How Children and Parents Cope with Divorce (1980).
6 Judith S. Wallerstein, Ph.D. and Sandra Blakester, Second Chances, Men, Women, and Children a Decade after Divorce (1989).
7 Garrity and Bares, supra note 4.
8 Melinda Blau, Families Apart, Ten Keys to Successful Co-Parenting (1993).
IN THE CIRCUIT COURT OF THE TWENTIETH JUDICIAL CIRCUIT IN AND FOR COLLIER COUNTY, FLORIDA CIVIL ACTION
IN RE: THE MARRIAGE OF
Husband,
and
Wife.
CASE NO.
ORDER APPOINTING PARENTING COORDINATOR
THIS CAUSE having come before this Court, and this Court having reviewed the file and being otherwise fully advised in the premises, this Court does:
ORDER AND ADJUDGE as follows:
1. Parenting Coordinators: The parties will agree on a parenting coordinator within thirty (30) days of the date of this Order. If counsel and/or a pro se litigant cannot agree on the designation of a parent coordinator, the Court, on motion by either party, and without a hearing, shall appoint one. The parenting coordinator will have the following qualifications:
a.Licensed mental health provider trained in child development and;
b.Certified family mediator or mediation training completed and certification – eligible.
2. Expense Shared Equally: Initially, the parties shall equally share financial responsibility to pay the parenting coordinator (the Court reserves the right to resolve any objection to the changes made and redistribute this cost on a pro rata basis if appropriate). Each party shall promptly pay one-half of any reasonable bill submitted by the coordinator. The Court will enforce payment of any amounts owed to the parenting coordinator by either party through contempt proceedings, if necessary.
3.General Responsibilities of Parenting Coordinator: Under Florida law, the children are entitled to access to both parents, without interference from either parent or anyone else, once the parents separate. The parenting coordinator shall assist the parties and the children to promote the children’s rights to access to both parents and to protect the children’s best interest in general. The parenting coordinator is entitled to communicate with the parties, children, health care providers, psychological providers and any other third parties deemed necessary by the parenting coordinator for such investigation. The parties will cooperate with the parenting coordinator and shall execute any necessary releases.
4.Role of the Parenting Coordinator: The parenting coordinator will:
4.1 Make recommendations relative to enforcing any shared parenting plan and parenting schedule and minimize conflicts between the parties by addressing the particular patterns of behavior for this couple;
4.2 Assist the parents in implementing any plan or schedule so that the children have continuous and consistent contact with both parents;
4.3 The parenting coordinator will help the parents develop strategies for:
4.3.1 Parenting in a manner that minimizes conflict;
4.3.2 Disengaging from each other when engagement leads to conflict and noncooperation; and
4.3.3 Allowing the children to grow up free from the threat of being caught in the middle of their parents’ disputes.
4.4 The parenting coordinator has the following broad responsibilities;
4.4.1 Recommending approaches to carrying out the parenting plan that are designed to reduce conflict between the parents;
4.4.2 Recommending compliance with any parenting plan or parenting schedule in the Court’s Orders;
4.4.3 Monitoring any parenting plan or parenting schedule and mediating the parents’ disputes concerning the plan or schedule or parenting issues;
4.4.4 Teaching communication skills, principles of child development and issues facing children when their parents no longer live together;
4.4.5 Writing detailed guidelines or rules recommended for communication between the parents and practicing those guidelines or rules with the parents. If parenting skills are lacking, the coordinator should work with one or both parents to teach those skills;
4.4.6 Recommending modification of the parenting plan or parenting schedule when agreement or consensus cannot be reached, as a means of reducing conflict and promoting the best interest of the children. Any recommended modification of a plan or schedule must be in writing and submitted to the parties and their attorneys.
4.4.7 Recommending how a particular element of the parenting plan or parenting schedule will be implemented including, without limitation, the frequency and lengthy of visitation, temporary changes in the parenting schedule, holiday or vacation planning, logistics of pick up and drop off, suitability of accommodations, issues dealing with stepparents and significant others;
4.4.8 Working with both parents to update and fine tune their pareting schedule over time. (All possible changes in the family’s circumstances could not be foreseen when the parenting plan originated.) Parenting schedules may need to be adjusted to children’s changing development needs, new schools, new blended families, or evolving outside interests;
4.4.9 Ensuring that both parents maintain ongoing relationships with the children; and
4.4.10 Recommending a final decision on any parenting issue over which the parents reach an impasse, by submission of a written recommendation to the parties and their counsel.
4.5The parenting coordinator will maintain communication among all parties by serving, if necessary, as a conduit for information. The parenting coordinator is not the ally of either parent and the parenting coordinator is not a neutral mediator. The parenting coordinator’s role is active and specifically focused on helping parents work together for the benefit of the children. The parent coordinator’s fundamental role is to minimize the conflict to which the children are exposed by the parties.
4.6 The parenting coordinator is not a custody evaluator. Making the decision to place the children in the residence and custody of one of the parents would seriously compromise the parenting coordinator’s neutrality. The parenting coordinator does not have the power to recommend changes relevant to the primary residence of the children. The parenting coordinator will also not be called as a witness in any Court proceedings regarding change of primary residence except by Order of Court for good cause shown in exceptional cases such as when the parenting coordinator has directly witnessed relevant facts.
4.7 The parenting coordinator will recommend, if necessary, supervised visitation to protect the children, but not as a sanction. The coordinator may also recommend a move from supervised to unsupervised visitation.
4.8Assistance provided by the parenting coordinator is not intended to be a crisis service and the parenting coordinator should not be contacted outside of normal working hours. Issues will be brought to the parenting coordinator in the ordinary course of business. The parenting coordinator’s goal is to teach both parents conflict resolution techniques and to keep the children in a neutral position in the conflict.
4.9 Significant financial matters will not be addressed by the parenting coordinator.
4.10 The parenting coordinator will educate both parents about the sources of their conflict and its effect on the children. Both parents should understand what constitutes a “loyalty bind”; that is, a child being caught in the middle between both parents. When a loyalty bind is occurring, the parenting coordinator should point it out and help both parents stop the behavior leading to this dilemma for the children. The parenting coordinator should help both parents accept the relevance of the other parent in the children’s lives and understand the serious emotional consequences of losing a parent.
5.Meeting with the Parenting Coordinator:
5.1 The parenting coordinator may meet with the parties or the children jointly or separately. The parenting coordinator shall determine whether appointments will be joint or separate, by telephone or in person.
5.2 Both parents will contact the parenting coordinator to schedule and arrange convenient times for meetings with the parenting coordinator. Appointments may also be scheduled when the parenting coordinator requests.
5.3Each parent should direct any disagreements regarding the children to the parenting coordinator. The parenting coordinator will work with both parents to resolve the conflict and, if necessary, will recommend and appropriate resolution to the parties and their counsel.
6. Written and Oral Reports and Appearances in Court:
6.1 The parenting coordinator may submit written reports to the parties and their counsel describing any conflicts and the parenting coordinator’s recommended resolutions. The parenting coordinator may also report to the parties and their counsel on parental compliance with and parental attitudes about any element of the parenting plan or parenting schedule, as amended by agreement of the parties or decided by the parenting coordinator. Copies of all reports to the court shall be sent to the parties and their attorneys, not to the Court directly.
6.2 If either parent wants the parenting coordinator to testify on any matter, he or she must first file a motion and notice of hearing and show good cause in the motion and at the hearing why the Court should require the coordinator to testify. The coordinator must be given a copy of the motion and notice of hearing.
7. Terms of Appointment: The parenting coordinator is appointed until discharged by the Court, or by written agreement of the parties. The coordinator may apply directly to the Court for a discharge, and shall provide the parties and counsel with notice of the application for discharge. The Court may discharge the coordinator without a hearing unless either party promptly requests a hearing on the application.
8. Neither party will enter the residence of the other except as pursuant to the visitation schedule recommended by the parenting coordinator or the written agreement of the parties.
DONE AND ORDERED in Chambers in _________, _______ County, Florida, on this _____ day of ___________, 20______.
CIRCUIT COURT JUDGE
Victoria M. Ho , a partner in the Naples law firm of Asbell, Coleman & Ho, P.A., is board certified in marital and family law and is a fellow in the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. She is active in the family law sections of the American Bar Association, The Florida Bar, and the Collier County Bar Asociation. Ms. Ho has been on the certification review board faculty since 1993.
Judge Daniel R. Monaco received his undergraduate degree from Russell Sage College, Evening Division, Troy, New York, and his J.D. from the University of Miami School of Law. He is board certified in civil trial and marital and family law. In two years on the family law bench, Judge Monaco began a parent coordinator program, divorce support group, pay-or-appear program, general master program, and an accelerated family evaluation program in emergency situations.
Janice S. Rosen , LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker and state-certified mediator in family law. A graduate of Manhattanville College and Boston University School of Social Work, she concentrates in working with families in transition.
This column is submitted on behalf of the Family Law Section, Ky M. Koch, chair, and Mark A. Sessums, editor.
