Staying Calm and Connected: Mindful Strategies for Meaningful Holiday Conversations
Dan Harris, former ABC News correspondent, visited the University of Miami School of Law to participate in a Fireside Chat sponsored by the Miami Law’s Mindfulness in Law Program
The holiday season is a time of joy and laughter, offering us the chance to spend quality time with family and friends. As work responsibilities tend to wane, we find more space to connect with one another, reflect on the year, and set our hopes and intentions for the new year.
Much of the joy and meaning of the holidays come from time spent with loved ones. However, despite the potential for positive interactions, family gatherings can sometimes lead to difficult conversations. This has always been true, and recent events, like the election and other current issues, may increase the likelihood of challenging discussions, even with those we cherish deeply, let alone those we see out of familial obligation.
The application of mindfulness insights offers a way to cultivate more amicable and fulfilling interactions with others, even when we disagree on important issues. On the evening of November 4, Dan Harris, former ABC News correspondent, host of Nightline, and co-host of the weekend edition of Good Morning America, visited the University of Miami School of Law to participate in a Fireside Chat sponsored by the Miami Law’s Mindfulness in Law Program. During a 45-minute conversation with law school Dean Patricia Sanchez Abril, Harris and Abril explored ways of creating more meaningful exchanges, both with others and with oneself.
Below are some of the practical tools and insights they shared. Many attendees found valuable takeaways they could apply both in the coming weeks and over the years, in personal and professional contexts. Florida Bar President Roland Sanchez-Medina, Jr., attended and commented, “Dan Harris is one of those people that everyone should listen to about the benefits of mindfulness. I’m firmly a beginner but the more time I dedicate to mindfulness, the better I feel and manage stress. It helps me as an attorney, a father, a husband, and a human being.”
Below are excerpted portions from their dialogue that address ways of creating a more understanding and mindful atmosphere during the holiday season. It includes questions posed by members of the audience.
Dean Abril: Thanksgiving is 23 days after the election. And many people will be sitting around a Thanksgiving table with people they love — and people they disagree with. Can you give us a little bit of insight, a few tips, on how to handle those moments in dialogue and love?
Dan Harris: Two ideas come to mind. One is never try to change anybody’s mind. The goal instead should be accurate disagreement. Try to learn why people believe what they believe. Another approach is reflective listening. It’s very simple, but not necessarily easy to do. When someone says something, repeat the essence of what they said back to them in your own words. This accomplishes two things. You are inserting a pause for yourself instead of popping off reflexively. This process gives the other person the thing that every human being craves — even if they don’t know it — which is to be seen, heard, and understood.
There are two other things you can do. One is avoid the subject. You can draw a boundary and change the subject or go in the other room. There’s no law, and you guys as lawyers can correct me if I’m wrong, that says you have to go to that party in the first place. You have the duty first to yourself. That is a radical notion that is underdiscussed in our culture. But you have the right not to expose yourself to people who are harmful to your mental health
Dean Abril: We are a law school, and we have a lot of lawyers and law students in the room. The law is both a noble profession and one that has been battling big things, like high rates of depression and substance abuse and sadness. And yet we have people banging down our doors, idealistic, wonderful, amazing warriors for justice. What advice do you have for students who are idealistic and stressed?
Dan Harris: I can only speak from personal experience, and there are many things that have helped me. One thing that’s coming to mind right now I wish I had understood earlier. One of the longest running studies in the history of science is called the “Harvard Study for Adult Development.” It has followed several generations of people to try to figure out the variables that lead to a long and healthy and happy life. There’s one variable that comes just screaming out of the data, and it’s not sleep or exercise or achieving ketosis. All of those things are important, maybe not ketosis, but the rest of them are important. The thing that matters the most is the quality of your relationships. But nobody’s selling that to you on Instagram. But it makes sense. I mean, we as a species are wired for interaction. We made it to the top of the food chain, not because we’re the strongest, but because we have this ability to collaborate and cooperate and communicate. And so the expression that sometimes gets used in this context is “never worry alone.” And I love that because stress is generally what gets us in the end. And the best way to regulate stress is through quality relationships. To get through anything difficult in your life, from 1L to a very difficult election, make it a team sport. That’s my number one advice.
Dean Abril: What is the best method when your brain starts wandering with negative thoughts? Is there a phrase or phrases one can say to be brought back from the abyss?
Dan Harris: A bunch of phrases. I’m stealing from the teacher Joseph Goldstein. One phrase is “Dead end.” How many times have you thought these thoughts? Probably 1 million times. There’s no more juice to be squeezed: “Dead end. Another phrase is more of an inquiry. “Is this useful?” Just an open-ended question, “Is this useful?” Have I played out the potential on this inner line of inquiry? Would it make more sense to change the channel and think about something else? And then finally, also from Joseph, “Up and out.” I love this. In meditation. If you have a mindfulness practice, you’ll notice within nanoseconds, tons of intrusive thoughts, where the gerbils run wild, whatever it is? “Up and out.” You don’t have to take it personally?
You think your thoughts are you. But can you claim ownership on these things? As we discussed earlier, they’re a little more than nothing. Just let it go up and out. That doesn’t mean they’re never going to come back. They’ll probably come back immediately. But you can do that same move over and over and then go back to your breath or whatever it is you want to focus on.
Dean Abril: How can we find a balance between staying informed and feeling overwhelmed by news and social media?
Dan Harris: The North Star is to walk the line between being an engaged and informed citizen and being a crazy person. These are things you have to figure out for yourself. What can your nervous system handle? And one great way to be able to figure this out is mindfulness. Mindfulness is the ability, the self-awareness, to see with some non-judgmental remove what’s happening in your mind and body right now so that your inner turmoil doesn’t own you as much.
And this very simple but not easy practice is a great way right now to help you figure out, “Okay, have I been doom scrolling for eight hours, and I’m all of a sudden tweeting in all caps,” maybe time to put the phone down. And obviously, it doesn’t need to get that far with some self awareness. So, I personally do consume a non-trivial amount of news. I don’t tend to get it through the television, but I read newsletters, listen to podcasts, read the Times. And if I find myself going down the rabbit hole, hopefully, I catch myself and, you know, take a walk.
Dean Abril: Do you have a personal mindfulness practice you’ll probably default to in the weeks ahead?
Dan Harris: One of the researchers in the modern psychology field who has been most influential to me is Kristin Neff. She’s really the godmother of something called self-compassion, which is, in my experience, revolutionary and incredibly impactful. She has a practice that I will describe to you that is easy … and you can walk out of here and do it. She calls it the mindful self-compassion break.
The three steps are very easy to remember. The first one is mindfulness. In other words, just notice if you’re suffering over the election or you got an email from the boss that you didn’t like, or you have a big test that Scott Rogers is delivering to you, or whatever it is. The first thing to notice is “I’m anxious right now,” or “This sucks.” Whatever it is, just notice this is a tough moment. The second step is to call to mind that whatever you’re feeling right now — anxiety, anger, frustration, sadness — millions of other people at this nanosecond are also feeling it. Third step for me is the key, and this is to talk to yourself the way you would talk to a good friend. So, I will say “Dude, I get it. That last phone call you had was discouraging, but consider X, Y, and Z. You’re good.” Just a little talk like that. The type of thing you would say to your friend or your kid. You can channel your capacity to be supportive, to be friendly, to be a mentor and direct it toward yourself, and there is a ton of evidence to show that it will work.
One other way to supercharge it. And this is embarrassing, and I don’t like anybody to see me do this, is to put your hand on your heart, or even, you know, if you’re really cool with the woo, to give yourself a hug. This, as Kristen says, is kind of coopting the mammalian care system and directing it toward yourself. And so I found for me when I’m suffering, especially that third part of just talking myself off the ledge, is incredibly helpful.
Audience Member: I love the notion of talking to yourself like you talk to someone you love, which is beautiful. I find that when I get a little bit stressed, I stop breathing. I’m wondering in the road that you’ve taken in your studies whether you’ve connecting mindfulness with proper breathing as well?
Absolutely. Most of our moms told us when we were freaking out to take a deep breath. There’s actually just a ton of wisdom to that and a ton of evidence behind it. You are resetting the nervous system. There are lots of ways to play with deep breathing. For me, what I like is something called straw breathing. It’s, take as deep a breath as possible, and then exhale and try to have that exhale be two, three, four times longer than the inhale. And while you’re blowing it out, your lips are pursed like you’re blowing through a straw. I start pretty much all of my meditation sessions with a couple of minutes of that. And when I’m freaking out, like, tomorrow morning, I have to get on a plane, and I have claustrophobia. I will be doing that in the minutes leading up to it.
On behalf of the University of Miami School of Law’s Mindfulness in Law Program, UMindfulness, the Office of Inclusion and Belonging, and the mindfulness student group, the Insightful Mind Initiative, I am grateful to Dean Patricia Abril and Dan Harris for their thoughtful contribution to our community on an important and timely subject. You can watch the full Fireside Chat by clicking this link.
Many of the above tips can be challenging to implement in times of emotional agitation. Keeping one or two of them top of mind can be a helpful way to access them in real time. Harris, a devoted student and now teacher of mindfulness, shares these valuable insights of wisdom and compassion, drawn from his own mindfulness journey.
In addition to this column, you can learn more about mindfulness through Dan’s podcast, “10% Happier with Dan Harris,” and his two books, 10% Happier: How I Tamed the Voice in My Head, Reduced Stress Without Losing My Edge, and Found Self-Help That Actually Works, and Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics. You can also keep up with him on his Substack at danharris.com.
If you are interested in practicing mindfulness, you are invited to join the University of Miami School of Law’s weekly mindful Zoom practice each Friday from 12:30-12:45 p.m., ET. This lightly guided mindfulness practice has been offered continuously since 2012 and is facilitated by attorney-mindfulness teachers, Alice Lash, Tony Recio, Peter Calin, the occasional guest teacher, and myself. To register, click here.
Wishing you all the best for the holiday season.
Scott Rogers
Scott Rogers, M.S., J.D., is a nationally recognized leader in the area of mindfulness in law and founded and directs the University of Miami School of Law’s Mindfulness in Law Program where he teaches mindful ethics, mindful leadership, mindfulness and negotiation, and mindfulness in law. He is the creator of Jurisight, one of the first CLE programs in the country to integrate mindfulness and neuroscience and conducts workshops and presentations on the role of mindfulness in legal education and across the legal profession. He is author of the recently released, The Mindful Law Student: A Mindfulness in Law Practice Guide, written for all audiences.
